I’ve been in meetings where men have told me to leave the past behind me, to not go looking for problems. It’s the saying that feels wise, “let sleeping dogs lie” or even “if it ain’t broke don’t fit it.” But what if I’ve felt broken for a long time and much of my behaviour was ways in which I sought to avoid the pain that I was feeling?
While they meant well, this is not helpful advice. Most people will react to the pain of a broken bone – by seeking medical attention. Now I want to ask you, why then do we not do the same for emotional pain and distress?
Spirit, Soul & Body
You are a spirit, you have a soul and you live in a body. The soul is made up of the mind, will and emotions.
1 Thessalonians 5:23 “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” NIV
When we are saved, our spirit is immediately renewed and our soul begins a process of regeneration.
Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” NIV
The word transformed comes from the Greek word for metamorphosis. It’s a total change and what we have now is unrecognisable when compared to where we started. Renewing is also an interesting word. Renewing is a process, as every day the world bombards us with news, social media and a million things vying for our attention.
Philippians 1:6 “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” NLT
Changing how we think is a process and it takes time, and it is totally worth it.
Your heart is a garden
Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” NIV
In Matthew 13, Jesus tells us about the Parable of the Sower. The Sower sets out and sows his seed all over.
Matthew 13:7 “Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants.” NIV
God is sowing, but when our hearts are full of weeds it can be difficult for His Word to take root in us. I can fill my life with so many things, that there is little time and space left for God to occupy.
The garden keeps changing. The weeds are either multiplying, or being pulled out. The enemy sows and we need to watch what we allow to take root. We also need to find and address past hurts. For many of us, the enemy started sowing when we were too young to know what was happening, and not able to guard ourselves. It doesn’t feel fair.
Our thoughts matter because:
Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” NKJV
Steps toward healing
Identify the wounds – stop. Put your hand on your heart. Ask yourself, “what am I feeling, why am I hurting?”
Validate the pain – your pain was real. It hurt. Trying to convince yourself otherwise is burying or avoiding it.
Mourn the loss / cost – grief is part of healing. What did the wound cost you? Grief tells me that what happened to me caused harm.
Bring it to God – we cannot fix ourselves. A lot of us have tried. Lasting change only happens when we work with God.
The Purpose of Pain
Pain is a blessing. No, that is not a mistake. Pain tells us where the problem is. I can’t identify the wounds if I’m emotionally shut down, zoned out or medicating my pain.
We don’t enjoy pain, but the pain from burning your hand on a hot stove keeps you from prolonged exposure to the heat source.
So we find that pain is necessary, but like a pressure cooker, you can’t ignore it and think you will be OK. Pain is an invitation. Remember that only God can heal us and that He also wants to heal us.
The Cost of Pride & Shame
These two emotions are very costly. Why so?
- When I need help, pride says: “I can do this alone, I don’t need help.”
- When I feel overwhelmed, shame says: “Don’t tell anyone, hide it, I’m a failure.”
Working together, Pride and Shame can keep you stuck. Shame causes us to withdraw from others, which makes things worse. Men specifically battle with pride, maybe it’s because many of us were raised to believe that “Cowboys don’t Cry” and “Children should be seen and not heard.” My problems are my problems and if I can’t solve them, then I am letting down my heritage. I am a failure.
Showing that I am in pain or accepting that I need help don’t feature in how many of us were raised. This doesn’t mean that I pour my heart out to every person who will listen, that is not wise. But every man needs a safe place and a safe person to share with.
Pride and Shame can even keep us from bringing out pain to God, because we feel that we should be able to do this by now, or that God saved me and now I need to prove my worth, or maybe for a different reason.
In Closing
I pray that after reading this, you will understand the reason why I write about emotions and emotional pain.
If you are in pain, find someone safe to share it with. If someone brings you their pain, don’t dismiss them or tell them to, “just pray more” or “just read the Bible more.” Pain and the fear of experiencing more pain have caused many people to adapt in ways that are not healthy.
Jesus treated people with tenderness when they were hurting and we should be following that example.
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” NIV